As I sit here waiting for the time to pass by, waiting for the clock to display “6:30”, waiting for the moment I reach home, waiting to ask if Mom is feeling better , waiting to relax and get ready for the night, waiting for the time to keep going, waiting for the days to move one after another, waiting for the time when Bada Bhai would be re established, waiting for the day when Pinu would have a phone free chicken pox, waiting for the day when Amit would happily get married and stable, waiting when I could see Mona complete and contended, waiting when Akki is on his way to life, waiting when all my stake holders stop being mad at me…………. I pen all this down while I had been waiting….and I still keep waiting.
Its been an observation for quite some time now. I am writing this down, so that I become more objective as to what bothers me ?? As many positive mind set building resources would agree to me , that discussing a problem just makes it bigger, while attempting small solutions make it quite irrelevant. However small your attempts may be, you are still able to conquer the problem .. slowly and steadily.
To day wasn’t the first time when I got a consultancy calling me offering an opening at IBM. Today wasn’t the first time I was into a dialogue discussing my career. Today isn’t the first time when I am thinking about my social future, as mixed results of inferiority and incompetency. Today isn’t the first time when I am here at office doing absolutely nothing but yet convincing myself that I am a geek in the making ( Thanks to GReader ). And neither today is the first time when I am facing the same set of emotions that I often usually face, on any such day.
I remember asking Neha yesterday, “What is the mantra of Satisfaction, happiness”. She tactfully replied, “Since you are a boy, your happiness is destined to be living with your karma (as in Gita )”. .. < I am still in my office , and just now had an onsite call..and I was kept on hold… and then there was a music played ..and that refreshed me like anything… “I change when I experience music”.. getting back to the theme.. > Nice of Neha, to have reminded me of my good times. I remember I was satisfied was probably when I had worked. Be it my job, my business..or my not-for-profit counselling activities. But I wonder that being successful at work is a very long agreement with time, and probably I would never be able to measure it. And what’s wrong if I find that ,after a long time that i would have lived , I lived for the wrong reasons??
On one hand I believe that , for my dying in peace, I should be a person of fame. Somewhere , this fame should be a result of my life as a visionary and an entrepreneur. Though I have no substantial achievement in this regard to boast of, I still try reaching out to the masses. And the proof of my efforts could be my interest in the tech world around the globe. This often inspires me to be serious about being a web architect, gain skills as a Computer Engineer and take out time and interest to learn as a student.
On the other hand, the price for dying famous, suddenly seems to be too big..and I am somehow not able to free myself from the clutches of laziness ..and intend to have certain more breaths in anticipation and analysis.I invested more than a year in my life..on a theme, that doesn’t appear to be moving anywhere anymore. Ended with a debt that doesn’t permit me for an higher education of any kind.Messed up with many already broken dependent hearts. and finally lost every direction in my life.. SO What next ?