…ASSEMBLING DISTORTED INSPIRATIONS FROM THE PAST THAT MADE MY STORY…

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7:52 PM, June 9th, 2017

That’s a lot of time since my last post and lot of changes to my lifestyle too. On days like today, when I get a moment to ponder, I tend to go deeper into question around my purpose and my existence. I pause to wonder about the things that I do and the thoughts that I have. It’s always a good practice to take a step back once a while and assess your actions and rethink your goals. But sometimes there is no justification for some of our actions. It’s like some force controlling you , ensuring you that you move a certain route. But when you look back and wonder about the route that you just took, you are unable to explain your choice. The metaphysical part of me wants to believe that we all have a defined purpose behind our existence and even if our conscious mind tries to determine what’s right and wrong for us, our subconscious minds manipulates us and makes us do what we are here for. I’m amazed when I realise that it’s been 5 years since I have been out of my country and almost getting ready to never go back again, even though I never wanted to get out of my hometown at the first place. Of course every choice made was a weighted one, analysed and carefully chosen, and there are no regrets. But all of it just seems like a big prank sometimes and the search for a greater purpose prevails. My be there is some more waiting time before victory. Wish me luck as I will need it. How is your battle going ?

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6:46 AM, April 6, 2012

I woke up this morning to realise that my life now has become of the kind that I had always wished it to be. Staying alone in a big city which I wished as a teenager. Having a great partner to share my weekends and life with, which I had desired for when I started feeling lonely a couple of years ago. Getting my mom debt free which I probably wanted from the day I started earning. Having a good, though not large, group of friends whom I can find around me , for work and play. And probably many such small things that I probably can’t recollect but they keep coming to me all the while.

It certainly doesn’t rule out the my share of worries that I deal with all the time… An uncertain marriage, an unplanned future, a not-So-well and living-All-alone mother, a bad physique, an infinitely revolving credit and many more such things… However, that’s precisely how life is at all stages of our life.. partly filled and partly empty.

I salute the people who have the courage to celebrate the part that’s filled today.. and not mourn for the part that’s empty.. because celebrating what you have is difficult..

18th January, 9:16 PM

Its just a coincidence that the previous post was also born at the same time, some days back..

My cousin has mentioned something about difficult times in one’s life as her FB status. And the things that we think and feel that empowers the situation to be more difficult than it actually is. It is actually a fact, that all emotions that we feel are internal, because they are there only when your mind acknowledges its presence. Whenever I remember the glimpses of people walking over burning coal, in the name of sacrifice and rituals I wonder if this could be an explanation. This as in, the understanding that they do not tell themselves that it is painful. Rather they tell themselves that its just an act that takes them closer to their belief. Mind games all the way. And if you actually get a chance to meet someone, you would see that the feet is burnt. There’s no magic, but just a belief that things don’t necessarily give the same experience to all.

So when you experience your share of difficult times, remember its difficult because you think it is.

26th September, 9:16 PM

Imagine this.

Couple of years ago, when you have just joined college. You are unknowingly celebrating the short immediate season of new friendships. You come across a whole new set of perceptions, almost overnight. You are surprised to understand that there are actually a lot of kinds of personalities, that you have actually connected to. And amidst this exposure of new discoveries in human nature, you can’t help but appreciate the immense talent that each of them has. The guy on the last bench who made the most amazing caricatures of the faculty, or that intelligent chic in the front who had an amazing expertise in handling her hair, or the fat guy next to you who actuallly had so much knowledge about everything, that you wondered if he is fat because he eats or he reads.

If someone were to ask you what of these people should become when they grow old, won’t you have thought of them as a future cartoonist, hair dresser and an IAS Officer. Common Sense, right ? And you realise why they say that “Common sense is a little uncommon”, when you see all of them become what you are.. a techie..!!

Couple of years into the job syndrome, and you see all these 3 bright and bubbly friend of yours have actually become frustrated together, and started believing in the gospel that “An MBA is the key to happiness”… 6 years later , you still find them frustrated, this time along with their partners and babies too… and before you and I understood, frustration has actually become a way of their life… All the time they seek answers to get satisfaction, but they fail to see the delight they experience in sketching , visiting a parlour or reading a newspaper..

Doesn’t it sound true that you were told by someone sometime that you would become a great singer or a succesful lawyer and you felt happy about it. You wished his words were true. You wished it actually happened. But then there was a voice inside you that said “Dude !! You ain’t that gud.. Stop Dreaming.. “.. and you heard that more distinctly than anything else. Sad but true, that this happens… to all of us.. People believe in us more than we believe in us. But that doesn’t change anything because people’s belief in us wouldn’t create miracles, it is our self belief that does.

But we often let doubt, fear, low self esteem get between us and our dreams. It were these ugly voices that you heard, and you thought it was God’s way of guiding you, (assuming God exists and is always correct).. They say, ” It is not your abilities that define you, it is the choices you make”.. Going that little extra mile to give your dreams a little life, a little shape takes a lot of belief and a little courage. Belief brings in confidence and confidence invites success. A confident man isn’t foolish or blind. He doesn’t ignore what his inner voices say. Instead he challenges, and says “I know I ain’t that gud, but I’ll be”.. And thus channelises his energy in the correct way.

The little steps you take as you imagine and believe the seemingly impossible task, makes it more and more achieveable. Life doesn’t have to be what other’s expect of you. Life can have a flavour that distinctly is yours. Life’s good. Live it.

July 8, 2011 11:01 PM

“If you don’t do much in life, you won’t get respect”

I and a friend from work were having a casual ove-the-coffee discussion about something not so important when he made this statement. I was stuck to this line and somehow it seemed to be much more heavier than what he probably meant. And I though to myself that tomorrow, when we all would be on our deathbed, looking back at the life that we are living today, we might want to know if we did the best of the time we had ? If we were to be given another chance to live this life again, could it be any better ? Did we do enough of what we could have done ? Did we do much, to have earned enough respect from the world ?

Respect is a precious thing because you can’t demand it. Respect is to those who deserve it. And to me, it is always people who have achieved extraordinarily in less that ordinary situations that makes me respect them. Be it Oprah Winfrey, Benudhar Sahoo or Samanta Sir, I seem to have a deep sense of respect of people who have worked hard to be where they are today. And it is the same perspective, that makes me a little workaholic at times. But then, am I doing enough ? well.. we all know.

As we all know, “Everything comes with a price tag” and fame is no different. Sacrifices gives a meaning to your name, hard work gives it a shape. Achievements make it popular and Success makes it immortal. Life is often what you make of it. The richer your experiences the deeper are your inferences. Those who have experienced hardships in life, often differ in the perceptions of dreams and happiness. And probably that’s why its just obvious that the heights you achieve also speaks about the depths you started from.

I remain, as I wonder “What respectful deed did I do today ?”

02:36 AM, 18th February, 2011

People who are connected,  seem to have the best of their conversations even when they don’t speak a word.. Yet it is so important to be expressive and let the other person know how much they mean to you. Where do we draw the line then ? How to differentiate if your concern is perceived as care or an invasion to privacy ? How would you figure out if your small acts of expressing your love are equally delightful on both sides ?

It is an eternal truth that the perception of things and events that keep on happening around us is always  unique to every individual. It is shaped to one’s own thought process which is often a subset to the complete meaning of the subject. And it is by this virtue of humans, that we also understand emotions differently. The feeling of belonging to someone neither arises out of the same reasons nor has the same effect across individuals. Yet loneliness is so common to all of us. And we put our own humble efforts to get out of it, often by leaning on to the nearest available shoulder, preferably of the opposite sex.

As humans and social animals, there is always a deep urge of association that resides in us passively, To get paired with a soul around is probably the only aim of more than half of the wild sacred hearts around us. And with the modernization of things , both inside and outside of our brains, there is a great degree of pressure also that we get exposed to. The pressure of being single ..and to add to it , the memories of a broken relationship. I guess, its just human to keep falling in love again and again.

Is it just luck that couples stay together for more than a decade and then get married and stay together  for a few more decades. Or is it just that, they have a better understanding of the relation and their conduct to it ? I personally, would go with the latter thought, because love is a language spoken differently by different people. And its just quite practical that you don’t understand the language at first, but you do later on with effort..

I am often bugged by this question, and I would leave with the same bug… Should you do something for your partner, because its something you expect him to for you or because its something that you want to do for him ?

01:16 PM, 10th August, 2010

“Strange ” .. should this be called..

Things always evolve in unexpected ways.. and u just hold yourself back to wonder if things are on the positive side or not. And that is the irony of life, that it craves for change and fears it at the same time.

As I look at the door welcoming me.. all I see is a bright light.. bright enough to hide..anything and everything behind it. I’m not sure if I would be walking on grasses or thorns.. if it will be shade or sun.. but it would never be what I am holding now.. and that’s the message that has reached me .. that farewells are never happy.. but hope of a better future covers it up.

So I am .. like many other times.. confused and anxious.

Cheers to change.

10:03 AM, 1st January, 2009

Every year , on this day, life looks like another opportunity to me. The day to plan and the day to retrospect. The day to pay tributes, and also the day to admit. As I asked some of my friends today morning… How would you remember 2008 ??. “Pathetic”, “Extreme Joys and Extreme Sorrows”, “Year of first Abroad trip”.”Most special year, because I found you”. Individual experiences and individual responses. But on a serious note, how would I remember 2008 ??

Moving to the past, the earlier part of this year didn’t have anything relevant in life. Four words had my entire life displayed… SWIFT,OCEAN, JAAN,MONA… and of course MONEY.Until May, I was so much consumed with my primary and secondary work that I was actually not experiencing anything like leisure, social life, responsibility at home. Only fluid inside me was of passion and money.Because life then had an entire different picture of future. During those times, money made all the decisions. Oh.. how can I forget how good it feels to be famous.

The good times and bad times of the year was marked by my Malaysia Tour. Friends, Partners, Penang, Pathman.. and many more to recollect. It reavealed what ‘global’ means. And for some of my friends, it was also the biggest achievement of their whole life. Though I would silently differ by saying that ‘Dream Chaser’ was equally experiencing.

After the tour, back in our homeland.. it was understood that there had been a wrong move by someone somewhere.  Because the impact of the whole trip was exactly opposite to what was perceived. While I treated it as a ladder to get more famous, I ended up being infamous.Reasons behind these were official misconduct, and on a personal level I was wondering how to pay the bills.

The later part of the year was a very difficult time. It was difficult because it was the tiring. I was tired of being tested and I gave up. It was rewarding becuase there were a lot of experiences.Experiences that made understandings differ. Experiences that disturbed relationships, and the peace of mind. Oh.. how can I forget how painful it feels to be famous. I, like others got myself more aligned to our job life, cherising the pleasure of fighting for survival, undergoing extremes of emotions every call every night, measuring the degree to which helplessness had affected us and occasionally wondering if I was on the wrong boat, or every ride involved such adventures.

Towards the end of September, professional life was somehow taking shape.Suddenly the job was becoming more satisfying and phone calls used to bother less. Suddenly my energy was directed towards efficient budgeting, than higher earning.Suddenly some very important people lost their importance.Suddenly I got many hints that I am running away from things.Yesterday the year completed but the challenges heaven’t.

And the only answer I seek while I step into 2009 is, what stopped me from bouncing back ??

I just wish 2009 gives me enough memories to write about, on a day like today after a year.And to you too.

Have  a great year ahead.

6:12 PM, 8th December, 2008

As I sit here waiting for the time to pass by, waiting for the clock to display “6:30”, waiting for the moment I reach home, waiting to ask if Mom is feeling better , waiting to relax and get ready for the night, waiting for the time to keep going, waiting for the days to move one after another, waiting for the time when Bada Bhai would be re established, waiting for the day when Pinu would  have  a phone free chicken pox, waiting for the day when Amit would happily get married and stable, waiting when I could see Mona complete and contended, waiting when Akki is on his way to life, waiting when all my stake holders stop being mad at me…………. I pen all this down while I had been waiting….and I still keep waiting.

6:27 pm, 13th October, 2008

Its been an observation for quite some time now. I am writing this down, so that I become more objective as to what bothers me ?? As many positive mind set building resources would agree to me , that discussing a problem just makes it bigger, while attempting small solutions make it quite irrelevant. However small your attempts may be, you are still able to conquer the problem .. slowly and steadily.

To day wasn’t the first time when I got a consultancy calling me offering an opening at IBM. Today wasn’t the first time I was into a dialogue discussing my career. Today isn’t the first time when I am thinking about my social future, as mixed results of inferiority and incompetency. Today isn’t the first time when I am here at office doing absolutely nothing but yet convincing myself that I am a geek in the making ( Thanks to GReader ). And neither today is the first time when I am facing the same set of emotions that I often usually face, on any such day.

I remember asking Neha yesterday, “What is the mantra of Satisfaction, happiness”. She tactfully replied, “Since you are a boy, your happiness is destined to be living with your karma (as in Gita )”. .. < I am still in my office , and just now had an onsite call..and I was kept on hold… and then there was a music played ..and that refreshed me like anything… “I change when I experience music”.. getting back to the theme.. > Nice of Neha, to have reminded me of my good times. I remember I was satisfied was probably when I had worked. Be it my job, my business..or my not-for-profit counselling activities. But I wonder that being successful at work is a very long agreement with time, and probably I would never be able to measure it. And what’s wrong if I find that ,after a long time that i would have lived , I lived for the wrong reasons??

On one hand I believe that , for my dying in peace, I should be a person of fame. Somewhere , this fame should be a result of my life as a visionary and an entrepreneur. Though I have no substantial achievement in this regard to boast of, I still try reaching out to the masses. And the proof of my efforts could be my interest in the tech world around the globe. This often inspires me to be serious about being a web architect, gain skills as a Computer Engineer and take out time and interest to learn as a student.

On the other hand, the price for dying famous, suddenly seems to be too big..and I am somehow not able to free myself from the clutches of laziness ..and intend to have certain more breaths in anticipation and analysis.I invested more than a year in my life..on a theme, that doesn’t appear to be moving anywhere anymore. Ended with a debt that doesn’t permit me for an higher education of any kind.Messed up with many already broken dependent hearts. and finally lost every direction in my life.. SO What next ?